Dying from the heat.
Yesterday it was 38 degrees. Today it was 35 degrees. I don’t have much faith in the rest of the week’s temperature either.
Sooo attempting to finish my Queer Cinema paper and This is one of my sources… Finger Licking Good: The Ins and Outs of Lesbian Sex. It’s theoretical I promise, not smut.
I keep fucking up in this relationship.
Always second guessing everything she says.
Not apologising to her at the right time.
Then I feel shit about making her feel like shit and she gets angry at my depressiveness.
These days she has been able to read all of my thoughts. She made a point that she’s been able to read my mind for a while now, but I am never even truly sure of what emotion she is feeling, or even why she is having the emotions.
I love her more than anything, the last thing I want is for her to be upset, angry or feeling alone, but I am always fucking up.
I hate when Magan goes to sleep still feeling the anguish of what I do and say that greatly offends her; she has nightmares because of it (I know, because I can’t sleep in these times of guilt), then when she wakes up she feels like crap. Tonight will be another one of those nights I think.
I don’t know why I do it: second guess everything that she says… It undermines her, it offends her, it upsets her. I have been doing with everyone, but I mainly only talk to Magan so she cops most of it. I am skeptical, argumentative, disagreeable, point-making, rude and very degrading with my opposing suggestions to everything said. People don’t say much around me any more I have noticed, especially not to me.
I’d love to talk about it to my shitty [falls asleep in our sessions] psychologist. I feel like I am worthless and helpless in these times. Both me and Magan won’t be happy until I sort my shit out. Every time I think I have a hold of fixing a problem I am making, I start fucking up in another aspect, then things start tearing apart again. I was slack in the doing-things-for-her department, I slowly got that going and whilst still holding the remnants of that shit, now I am second guessing every word spoken by anyone but me.
All I want is for her to be happy. I love her so much. I want to be better and more efficient of fixing up my shit.
Oh yeah cool, not only am I cursed with the Red Sea, but the joint cramps and murderous splitting headache I have gotten from this shit is making me majorly nauseous.
I can’t sleep because no matter what position I am in I feel like I am going to puke.
The first day is always the hardest. The shittest part is we have to put up with this shit every month. It blows.
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